Friendships Have Changed, And I Miss Them

I became a mom in the fall of 2019, just months before Covid took over the world. Right when we got out of the newborn phase and I was ready to make plans again, the world went into lockdown. I had my second in the fall of 2022, and noticed instantly that the fanfare was different. Less people coming to see the baby, less people sending cards or gifts, less people checking in to see how we were adjusting.

Immediately, I wondered if this was because it was a second baby for us that most people assumed that we knew what we were doing this time around, and maybe didn't need the same amount of congratulations, or if this is the post-covid world and everyone has forgotten how to show up?

Since the pandemic timeline coincided with motherhood for me, I have asked myself this question many times. I see the stack of cards that my first has when she came into the world, and the six cards that my second has. I struggled just as much with nursing the second time as I did with the first, but this time it included a baby who was colic and screamed at me more hours than I could count and a toddler who needed one-on-one time and I felt so guilty not being able to be there for her as much as I wanted to. I would argue that I needed more support the second time around than I did the first, but everyone around me had so much going on in their own lives that it just wasn't really there.

I have found myself really mourning my 20's and the friendships that came with it. We would make plans that we were excited to keep, dance until the lights came on, and sleep until our bodies were ready to get up and laugh about the night before. We would celebrate just because it was Saturday, and had the disposable income (and time) to book that last minute flight. We laughed until our cheeks hurt, and took more photos together in one night than we do now in a year.

(not my friends lol)

I've heard from many people that their friendships are lacking since having kids, and no one is happy about it. Everyone is busy; every single one of us. It is really hard to juggle friendships and kids, and I am just as guilty for having small windows of time that I can do things around naps for one and school hours for the other (and that's with having a husband who works from home). But I think it's really important that we hold onto our friendships and make them a priority. Make the reservation, keep the plans, put your friends first once in a while while someone else takes charge at home. At the very least, we need to be checking in on our friends, and being there for them when they are going through life changes. We need to be remembering birthdays, and sending a text (better: a card). We need to be stepping up as a friend if we want to have these friendships in the future.

I told a girlfriend once "if the 90's are back, let's actually bring them back. Write down important dates and pick up the phone." We have the ability to be more connected now than ever before, and it feels like we are all so disconnected.

I wrote this a little while ago and wasn't sure what to do with it, but this seems like a good spot to put it:

We live through our kids instead of

Planning adventures.

We get together for weddings and funerals

But no one is getting married anymore.

Maybe it's just this friend group

But I want this friend group to look like that friend group.

They know it's important

They make the memories

They light their souls on fire.

I miss you

Let's do it again sometime.

I need more.

I should also point out that this isn't all of my friends, and some friends are really good at still getting together, checking in, and feeling like a part of my life. But I know that what I am experiencing (missing friends and friendships after kids / in your 30's) is experienced by others too, and it's nice to know sometimes that it's not just you going through something.

I'm wondering if you had kids before the pandemic hit, were people just as excited for you the second time around as they were the first? Is this a second baby thing, or a post-pandemic thing? And friends since having kids... do you still make memories with your girlfriends, or are you also really missing your 20's?